Lockdown Week Nine: Week Nine Things Must Be Fine?

I am totally beginning to feel stuck in an alternative version the Tangled song: “When Will My Life Begin?” I was going to write some alternative lyrics, but my little grey cells are still connecting slowly and it is still very much a work in progress! This post is a bit late because last week was a struggle. I reached my limit of shielding. Slightly bizarre that it was also Mental Health Awareness Week. So with that in mind this is an honest post, maybe a bit less zing because my zing was having a mini break. It is also why it took a little more time to write than usual. I could go down a depression tick list and check it off line by line. And each morning I felt like I just awoke to Groundhog Day. Routine is often a great thing, especially for mental illness, but I felt dried up and had lost the ability to look forward to things in the day. It seemed very much “same old, same old”. I was tired. Tired of trying to keep positive, amuse a toddler and a nine year old, whilst trying to school one. It’s half term now and I’m not sure whether that makes it easier or harder? In actual fact, it has been such a relief to just be a Mama and not worry about school work. There is never pressure from school, but equally I should like my child not to get behind because of me, so there is a pressure of some sort. So this Half Term came at a much needed point. I am trying to use the time to play with the kids and take time to enjoy them and keep going on the self care. Sometimes it is rest and stubborn perseverance that see you through, see being stubborn is not so bad 😆

It is at best a challenging balance and lockdown has been a tad relentless in giving new curve balls every week. It’s been nine weeks of trying to juggle physical health, mental health, the Childers, the Other Half’s recovery from spinal surgery and new routines. Lots of adapting. And lots of successes, even if the brain sometimes despairs, when the blackness settles a bit more. I’ve always shied away from the term “black dog” as I love doggies. But it is a loyal companion if nothing as cute and loveable as a dog. And it has shown the world to me in different ways. For some, lockdown might be the first time there life seemed to have slowed and they looked at things a bit longer than before. For me, depression taught me to slow down and observe, because joy is sometimes in the little things and yes sometimes it feel like you have to dig for those moments like looking for the the proverbial needle in a haystack. To a certain extent Black Dog, can respond to training but equally it can howl. Would I like a life without it, well that isn’t really a question I would need to think before answering, of course! But it is what it is and we all have our challenges in life. In line with the mental health focus of the week, it is always good to be kind. So many struggles are hidden behind smiles. And I find as a Mama, it is hard because it is not bad to cry and show emotions, but equally at times you do hide how you feel. The key I think perhaps is not to bury it away too much, because it never will leave that way. In a kind world, perhaps it would be easier to be more honest about how we feel?

Talking of dogs I should say I I think the kitties might have adapted best to Lockdown. I have noticed we hoomans now seem to be their personal doormen and yes they have a cat flap! Holly has decided that she will make her presence known by jumping up on the kitchen window sill every morning. It scared the life out of me the first couple of times she did it. She now enters through the dining room window and leaves through the front door 🤦🏽‍♀️

Despite the challenges of last week it was amazing to receive a lovely video on the Monday from the ward manager at the hospital where Papa was. The staff clapped him off the Corona Ward as he moved to a rehab ward. It was moment we weren’t sure we would see. It will be so lovely when we can all meet up again. And I think that is what I have been missing the most, the personal contact, though I don’t mind a good browse in Waterstones either! Note to self: I still have many books in my giant pile to read! Seriously, just the closer up contact and a little time out from the Childers to be with a friend would be so lovely right now. I have never been a massive phone call fan as I find I miss the visual clues a lot and I need these. Video call is ok, except for that button that shows me in a way I don’t imagine I ever want to look; if ever I need an emoji to hide behind it is then. I have noticed even Royals look a bit weird on video calls so hey ho.

I think we have sort of adapted to “absolutely normal chaos”. The Eldest and I decided to paint the piano this week. Nothing seems strange anymore. It did take a while to get the lid open again though 🤦🏽‍♀️.

My favourite day of the week was Wednesday. Beautifully hot, so we had the annual paddling pool day. Last year we had more than the annual day (woo hoo 😃) but this is Yorkshire so you never can tell. Though my Eldest seems to have suddenly become too grown up for fun in the paddling pool, which was sad 😔. The Littlest loved it, in fact so much so, that after our alfresco dinner, she was found washing her hair. Which basically involved tipping bucket after bucket of water over her head, so her nicely dry clothes were completely soaked. It gave me a strange longing to go for a swim.

I got lost in the gardening and forgot about Corona World and the incessant waves week after week. Last week my Husbands back went again, and we are not sure if some more disc might have started to protrude. We really hope not. But back, (no pun intended) to gardening, I finally got to trying to trim some conifers and “relaid”a patio. I use the word loosely as I had no hardcore or concrete, so it was more of a case of moving it and laying it ready to be fixed in place at another time. Totally fell off a ladder and have some mega bruises. My Eldest for some reason one bath time when he was a tot, decided to name the bruises, Mr Bruisey. Well I have an impressive Mr Brusiey at a length of 24cm and around 9cm across. Sitting down is still a bit delicate and it felt a bit reminiscent to the undercarriage after childbirth to begin with 😫😱. It was not the best idea to straddle a ladder to get extra leverage on the giant conifer, nor to have not checked your husbands ladder set up. I got to wondering if he wanted the life insurance for a Lamborghini. But the transformation in the garden over the week has been worth the extra pain.

So all in all still going and still growing in the garden. Stage 2 is more or less as complete as it can be for now and I have embarked on Stage 3. Things seem to be growing well and I am looking forward to seeing the colours of the flowers begin to paint the garden.