The Forgotten Children

For my daughter and all those with autsim / neurodivergence and their families as they navigate a neurotypical world.

Outside is your happy place,

Free to go and roam,

To play freely in clothes or not so much,

The outside is your home.

Away from constraints and demands,

The need to always conform,

To second guess your wants and needs,

Your choices,

As you try to be “the norm”

In holidays I see you appear again,

Your smile is contagious,

Your energy not supressed,

You're creative and you’re playful,

You're engaged and happily learn,

The stress and the containment,

Of self, does not need to occur.

You’re quirky and you’re funny

You’re bright and full of glee,

You sleep in your own bed a bit,

Instead of sharing a pillow with me,

You nights are freer from nightmares,

Your brain it can relax,

The whole house sighs in relief,

I have my daughter back.

But then the time is over,

As soon as it began,

We are back into another school term,

Full of constraints and demands,

Autumn term is change,

Adjust to new staff and room,

Winter term brings nativity

Which we’ve learned we need to opt out,

Talk of Santa in the house,

Is still scary at its best,

Spring term is the calmest,

Just a little bit of rest,

Then summer term begins,

The anxiety of transition starts,

Sports day and hay-fever with the grass,

Every term to navigate,

Until the school holidays is reached,

Until we breathe a complete sigh of relief?

No, because part of your brain,

Is always wondering,

Trying to prepare, to navigate,

The next hurdle, the next thing,

The knowledge of things changing again,

Another challenge looms,

You want to know just when,

Your world will be turned upside down,

And it all begins again.

It’s always difficult,

Navigating the world beyond the front door,

We know you and we work with you,

To make the world ok,

To give you a little armour,

To take into each day.

School is full of rules, of “that” and “this” and more,

You try to keep them all,

You might then win an award,

You supress and ignore your body,

When it’s desperate for you to move,

You must not fidget in the class,

Least the teacher disapproves.

Be this, be that, be a good girl,

But never true to you,

The you, you are, is hidden,

Or the world it disapproves,

For those who can’t contain it,

They wriggle and they shout,

They are called disruptive,

From the room they are sent out.

You try your very hardest,

To make it through the day,

But unseen to others is the processing,

And effort your brain and body put in each and every day,

So much you have to sort and try to make sense of,

The space left for learning is small,

But you absolutely always,

Give it your very all.

Your effort is amazing,

As you hold it all together

But afterwards you break,

From the touch of the smallest feather.

Your brain it tries,

You work so hard,

You get so very frustrated,

But at school you squash that all inside,

Those feelings, though, never evaporated,

Progress is slow, you don’t understand

You try, you try, you raise your hand.

Those feelings shut up in the day,

Have nowhere to go,

No way to find release,

Until your home with me,

And I see all your unease

Your brain and body are far from peace,

If they could see on your brain the demands,

That come from the school day,

I wish they would see that,

And help you learn another way.

If some pressure was removed,

Your brain could find some calm,

And space for learning,

Could then be made,

And they would see you fly.

But you’re quiet,

You don’t rock the boat,

You ignore your body’s needs,

These are the forgotten children,

Our education system seldom sees.

I see you fly at home,

As you chat and play away,

But I lose you again, bit by bit, after each school holiday,

As the toll of the school day,

Builds and builds and you retreat,

Exhausted from the fight,

And so, I try to advocate for you, with all my might.

Another child tells you something is babyish,

So even though you like watching it very much,

And you like the lunch box that you chose,

You stop enjoying what you love,

You conform, and you lose a little piece of you,

And I see it go.

I see you stand in front the mirror,

When you’re struggling with maths,

And tell yourself you’re stupid,

And hurt yourself as you scratch.

I truly wonder for these kids,

Why the world cannot see,

Just how hard they can make things

And the true impact that I see.

You try and pick the lunch option,

You think your teacher wants you to,

So, when it arrives and you collect the tray,

There nothing on there for you,

You don’t eat,

Everythingistouching,

No one takes the time to check your world is ok,

It’s you in this world, fitting in,

Each and every day.

The sights, the sounds, the smells,

It’s all too much to bear,

You retreat into your shell,

And hide in there,

Trying to protect yourself,

From all that is around,

Your voice switches off,

You no longer make a sound.

Day in, day out,

You navigate, the feel of clothing on your skin,

The hair brush on your head,

The sights, the sounds, the smells,

Trying to hold in everything,

It must be like a living hell,

Then to find some brain space,

To ensure you learn as well,

Everything is hard,

You struggle to as you learn,

It really isn’t your fault,

There’s not much space to take it in,

With all the stuff your processing,

And burying to survive,

And trying to stay even,

In a strange world, desperate to fit in.

You try to force your poo out,

So, you don’t have to go in class

Teachers don’t like toilet breaks,

You won’t ask for that in class,

It doesn’t work, your tummy hurts

You sit in silence,

You learn to say nothing.

In school photos,

You’re told to smile,

To look at the camera,

But none of this is comfortable,

None of this, is who you are,

And the effort and discomfort,

Show so much upon your face,

You look like a different child,

And a piece of my heart breaks.

For class photos,

You stand next to someone,

You don’t feel that you know,

You’re not with your close friends,

Your way out your comfort zone,

You’re told to do this and that,

And for silly ones, you’re told,

You can’t do what you did last year,

What was ok, is no longer allowed?

None of this makes sense to you,

The message is quite clear,

Do what you’re told,

And smile, when you want to shed a tear.

You hold it in some more,

As the school day goes on,

Navigating the social playground world,

So, the outdoors only brings you,

A partial release,

A time to move around freely,

But friendship don’t often make sense,

The social rules of play,

Another difficulty you internalise,

And desperately store away,

To get to the end of the school day.

You cannot find release,

School don’t mind the meltdown,

If it happens the other side of their gates.

And so, I know when I pick you up,

Just how much you’ve held it in,

I’ve lost the happy child I knew,

As you seek to re-regulate,

I tread on eggshells,

I try to help,

Sometimes it goes ok,

But sometimes you’ve pushed too much inside,

There’s not more room and the littlest things,

Make you explode.

It’s hard, you can’t contain it,

You shout at me,

You get so cross,

You can sometimes just lash out,

You can’t respond to gentle requests,

I’m “bossing you around”

Just like the school requests;

Of “this”, then “that” and “more”

Transitions, the whole lot,

Like a hurricane in your head,

It starts and it won’t stop,

And so with me you lose it,

When I’m trying to help you,

Help you re-regulate.

You take yourself to water,

Or to a quiet place,

And lock yourself away,

I’m right out here for you,

When you’re ready, to let me in,

We’ll work through it together,

Find our way back to calm again.

But it’s taking hours right now,

I miss your sunny smile,

I miss all the pieces of you,

That make you my precious child.

All this become your internal narrative,

Strongly etched on you as your grow,

But, I want to change your story,

I want you so much to know,

How amazing you are,

And the uniqueness of you,

Your brain is a different processing system,

But please, be true to you.

The difficulties you encounter,

I’m working hard to take some away,

To get the message out there,

That you and others like you,

Are not the ones who need to change,

So please, be true to you,

I believe in you, in every little piece,

Your special interests and knowledge,

Your love of the outdoors,

How amazing you are with animals,

All the things you know about

Under the sea,

All those special things,

The pieces, others don’t often see.

I see your struggles,

I feel them, in a way only a Mama can,

I can’t protect you from the world,

But it doesn’t mean I don’t understand,

The world will always be challenging,

But we’ll find a way through,

And that way we find,

Will still let you, be true, to you,

I believe in you and those like you,

You have so much potential for growth,

And you will get there, in your own way and time,

This I truly know,

But the need is still there,

To try and get other to understand,

That they can help ease,

Some of the incredible daily demands,

It doesn’t mean no boundaries,

We all need them to live,

But it means that at times,

When you can’t change, we give.

Give a little more understanding

To how each day is for you,

A little more thought into,

How we can help you through,

If school can adjust some pressures,

That come with the school day,

Then maybe you could decompress,

In a much more positive way.

This isn’t about blame,

Teachers and staff often do their best,

In an intense education system,

Which so often is test after test,

I do passionately feel there does need to be change,

For these forgotten children,

The quiet ones who conform,

Supressing even basic needs,

In order to “perform”.

Because the consequences are very real,

I see them each and every day,

My heart breaks a little more,

This simply isn’t ok!