So it was not my original plan to write up two weeks at once. However, I found myself unable to write up the Week Ten musings and things are only really now starting to become clear. I had an inkling that I held the puzzle pieces in my hand but these past two weeks have provided more confirmation, and the pieces are now slotting together. Which, is both good and not so good.
Week 10 was of course Half Term, so really not much change to life except less pestering of the Eldest to do his school work. Huzzah 😃 I am wondering if my Littlest is now becoming as useful as putting myself on record and repeat. She seems to have learnt the fine art of the “hound”. She will often walk around the house now and iterate to her brother “get off your screen!” or “No! no go on your Xbox”, with full vehemence on the first “No”. Thankfully she has retained her array of delightful little phrases; our firm favourite being “yes, [of] course” and she has such a beautiful way of saying it. Like butter wouldn’t melt 😇
In the approach to Half Term there had been the shifting in mental health as the shielding continued. Things had become more about balancing risk: risk of the adverse effects on Mental Health with full shielding compliance versus the physical risk of going out there more in Corona World.
I was a week ahead of Preimier Johnson’s advice in getting out into the open air more. I needed it. Half term weather was particularly beautiful and it was so amazing to be able to step out with the family each day for a walk. My Littlest has mastered scooting and this means walks can now open up into bigger adventures. We had the time to just follow different paths and enjoy the time and scenery together. My husband had the week booked off work as holiday, in case you wonder how we managed to do this!
Our routine, which particularly helps the Littlest manage her anxiety, is to do the daily sheep walk. We are blessed enough to then be able to adjust the route to take longer walks in the local countryside. On one day we went to see the horses and popped in at a friends for a social distanced chat. Another day I took the Childers to my Little Shielding Escape and my Eldest enjoyed finding lots of routes over the rocks to cross the Beck. It would be a perfect spot for stream fishing with buckets and nets and a picnic, if not for the mosquito congregation that was also present. Still it was so nice to be there together. I love talking as we walk and watching them explore. Yes, walks can take an awful long time with a toddler. But it is beautiful to see how eyes wide open they are when exploring the world. And it is not like we have the pressure of the school rush. Children so often have the gift of being present that we adults are trying to remember to put back in our lives. I assume I am not alone in this, as it seems one of the big focuses of meditation and mindfulness. It is one of my reasons for loving being able to work with children. Some days they can admittedly have the worst day of their life, but equally some days are simply happily ever after days.
Half term was a time for reconnection with the family and with nature. There is not much more I can do on the garden until my savings tree blossoms, so it was nice to sit down with a book and be present. The Littlest loved having water play out, happily tipping and transferring water from one container to another. The paddling pool made some more outings and the days were enjoyed.
I also took some time out to go on a walk (Childer free 🥳) with a friend. It was so good to socialise at a distance and be in the same place with each other. Another reconnection or better connection in the beauty of The Great Outdoors.
That said, I am really not a camping person. I think my briefish time in the ACF as a child completely put me off. Half a tent, on a thin mat on a floor, sometimes sleeping with a cold weapon in a sleeping bag; none of that being remotely comfy and mostly just downright cold, even in a supposedly thermal sleeping bag.
I do love being out in nature and breathing in the air, but I do so love not to have to pee in it directly or in a potty. Admittedly, I also need showers, since I have washed my hair daily since I was a teenager. I just don’t wake up pretty! Men are so lucky as our children I find. I’m not quite sure why but the concept of “beauty sleep” is not quite so accurate for me. Sleep does make me less of a beast, which is what I might be more like if I don’t get enough of it and become grumpty.
But because life is what it is and to be lived we did have a little camping in the a lounge over half term. My Eldest set it all up. He can be incredibly thoughtful when he wants and it was quite impressive. I had the sofa and initially he was going to top and tail with the Littlest on a fold out bed; though she wiggles and kicks too much, so eventually he went for the lilo option. Sadly that did not work out so well. Having awoken to discover that Cokey (the cat) had decided to join me on the sofa I was rather alarmed to hear a lot of weird sounds on the lilo later on in the night. I wondered if at any moment a rather hefty cat might come flying onto the sofa after putting all four paws of claws into the lilo. Fortunately, it was just the Eldest being uncomfortable, so I suggested he go up stairs. I think Lounge Camping might now be as favoured as actual camping is for our family - last time we tried I was the only one in the tent in the morning. Well Job done! ✅
The garden is greening up nicely. Though I can tell the areas that were planted by the Littlest as the seeds are growing really close together. We have enjoyed watching the birds visit, and listening to the Robin and Blackbirds sing. We have also noticed that the Coal Tits and Blue Tits like to use the little water fountain as mini baths, as they are perfectly sized for little birdy bathing.
It was delightful to spend sometime sat on the garden swing, next to my Little One and sing duets together on the last Sunday of Half Term. Normally we are strictly told “No sing, MY song” and we have to hush quickly. I think that was possibly their first time we ever duetted. I certainly enjoyed the moments though I admit the song choice of the normally medley, seemed a bit strange when it got around to did Jingle Bells! It is hard to believe how different she can be when in less comfortable surrounding and how much the Selective Mutism / Reluctant Talker inhibits and conceals the loud and bold (should I say somewhat bossy at times?) Little Person we see and know at home. It was also lovely to sit in the garden and to hear the Friday Street Music and some duets occur on that too. Lockdown has bought some beautiful things to the neighbourhood.
I have decided that despite the fact I am still making slow progress through my book pile, I am reading exactly the right book for me at this time. I shall hopefully write a little review for my blog once I have finished it. As I am seeing with my garden, seed needs nurturing and time. Making changes for health or any reason is like planting seeds. I have used Lockdown as much as possible to nurture and plant in new habits and dig out some weeds. It doesn’t mean life has been smooth or that winds haven’t come and the odd storm touched my garden; managing mental health is always going to be more of a challenge for me because of the path I have walked. But sometimes you just have to keep going and know that you will keep growing if you take care of the seeds and keep pulling up those weeds. The technical term is neuroplasticity for my stuff and it takes time.
But it is important for all, I think to remember as we either adjust to longer periods in Shielding / Lockdown or shifts in our world, that we can only do so much. Ten weeks in and I have to say my life and world as a Mama have changed. There are many good bits, being able to watch the Childers play and know that they will probably never spend as much time together in their lives again. Also, the not so good bits, when one in particular is tired and moody (I am sincerely dreading those teenage years 😱) and they refuse to share television programmes 🤯. Que epic screaming at the top of her lungs (and when she works them, oh boy do they work!) “I want Mickey Mouse Clubhouse”. The Eldest is learning that when a woman, even a little one, speaks and means her mind, it is not worth trying to persuade to change it. She does not want Mickey and the Roadster Racers, or Mickeys Mixed Up Adventures when she has explicitly stated Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. We do pick our battles in this house, and we do do sharing, but equally we advocate wisdom in knowing when and what battles to pick. Homeschooling in the real home!
The good news is that Paw Patrol never stuck so we are spared the Mayor and the strange chicken relationship. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse happily is also a learning show, so some kudos points for Mummy and less Mama guilt! Most importantly, it is longer than Bing. And for the sake of some nostalgia, it does take me right back to the years when it was also my Eldest’s favourite show and we had morning snuggles and no thoughts of school runs - bliss in many ways. So erm yes, increased tele time was not on my Lockdown ideals, though heaven knows ever Mama needs a break at times. But this is one of the puzzle pieces. The Littlest never did quite fully recover from her tonsillitis. She loves the daily family walks, but some days, she will do the walks and be crashed out on the sofa and be very difficult to engage in play. Even with fresh play dough, and with flour finding and prices, homemade play doh is now a luxury item, but still oh so much fun! This is not my turbo charged daughter prior to the illness. Bing worked because it was about the longest she would sit still, she was always active and always into play, with or without my play incentives. And it bugged me, because by now if it was the tonisilitis then I would have though she would be over it. Whether it is the Mama instinct or just my slightly more scientific and in part medical background, when things nudge, I do like to look for answers. I have also learnt in life there is wisdom to knowing when to peruse questions or to accept them and leave alone. Not everything really does need knowing always.
I was also struggling with the fact that having got ill the week after the Littlest was poorly, though I had mostly seemed to return to normal. Every so often my asthma would be really off. I would get breathless from small activity or walking up the stairs. It appeared randomly. Running has been amazing for my mental health and although I am no where at the levels I once was (a 10km run at 6am on a Sunday morning), I have run after and through every single crisis I have had with somewhat dogged determination: “I run”. And so over half term I had pushed on with running but was finding it harder than ever before to up the interval time.
My respiratory appointment due in Feb, had been pushed back to June 1st and came at a time when needed. It was confirmed that the ongoing issues with my asthma are likely to be the result of having a Covid 19. I had done a test, but that was two weeks after initial symptoms; as getting a test at home kits was not accessible at the time I was poorly. And despite me being in shielding and her having all the Covid 19 symptoms, the medics at hospital rather resolutely stuck to their tonsillitis diagnosis for my daughter and refused to run a Corona test. After exploring the question of her health it is pretty certain now based on what they now know, that she did have Covid 19 (it can be in conjunction with tonsillitis in children) and subsequently so did I. So things started to make sense for us both.
And that sort of leads into Week Eleven. Which began with more of a slip in my mental health, though it decreasing oxygen levels can affect cognitive function and this could have been the cause for a sudden steep decline. Week 11 was a battle week. Battling mental health and then the subsequent reduction in my ability to breathe. Nothing has been easy or simple. But on the positive side I am not infectious, which is a relief. 😃
I had to smile though that in perfect timing for the ten degree drop in temperature my suncream and sprinkler orders arrived on the coldest days! Hash tag: life in shielding! Oh well, they are sat waiting for the summer to return.
The aim of the game is to stay out of hospital and to this limit exposure to the Corona virus, as there is not enough information available on how good and long lasting an immune response to the disease is. I have to say the relapse is worse than the initial presentation I had and it has hit my lungs a lot harder. But also my brain, I get quite mentally exhausted which makes writing difficult. I did have a better day yesterday and managed to walk and actually talk in some full sentences (I’m not sure if my husband is liking this new quiet wife 🤭) but my toddler could easily lap me going around the block currently....maybe I should invest in a scooter 😆 Watch this space. For those venturing forth (legs, wheels or scooting) or still maintaining to boundaries of house walls, shrubbery and garden perimeters - take care, stay safe, stay sane!
Sources:
The Psychology Mum @psychologymum Facebook
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